Monday, November 2, 2009

researching myself

This short essay is full of speculations and deep personal examinations. I’m leaving myself wide open for anyone to question my sanity. I'm stating this up front so I don't need to dance around what I wanna say, I'm just gunna say it.

At a recent UFO conference in California I told fellow attendee that I was doing research. They said, "Oh really? What are you researching?"

I replied, "Well, I guess I'm researching myself."

That was a perfectly honest answer.

How’s this research comin’ along? I’m not sure if I can answer that because I have absolutely no idea what I am interacting with.

I feel like I'm grappling with the big questions right now because the last few weeks have been over-the-top in the power of the synchronicities and intensity of the experiences. I look back over the last few years and it feels like I've been dealing with some sort of an incremental induction. I'm moving, little by little, into a place of utter weirdness. At first I was tickled, and then poked, then slapped in the face - and now I feel like my head has been rung like a gong.

Something has been working hard to get my attention, and at the same time it is being careful not to totally freak me out. Whatever it is, there is something about it that is intensely personal. It is playing out in a way that feels like it's tailored to fit some deep part of my psyche. As I attempt examine it, I am amazed at how precisely the events are unfolding, one after another. Each experience is opening me up, just a little bit more.

The heart-warming story about the grocery store check out girl was like being tickled.

The funny story about the bottle of Neutrogena 45 was like being poked.

The beautiful story of Cindy Gail arriving in my life was like being slapped in the face (it was a nice slap, really).

And all the forceful events of the last few weeks have rung my head like a gong.

I can’t help but be impressed with the steady and systematic escalation of these experiences. Along the way I’ve changed and evolved. I am not the same person I was just a few years ago.

Just so you know, there in no subject that I find more challenging than the trappings of the new age movement. But I have been escorted (or dragged?) to a place where I now consult psychics and channelers (and I am wearing a crystal around my neck, right now). This is something I would have dismissed with contempt just a short while ago. But now I’m here, and quite willingly.

Who knows what the future will bring? I like to think that I’m self-aware enough to drop any of these things if they just feel like they don’t work for me anymore. If this blogging format seems unnecessary, I’ll drop it.

My initial reason for going thru this focused self-examination was because of my foggy UFO memories. In the winter of 2006 I made a very real declaration, I said YES to looking at my experiences. I had an idea of how all this might unfold, but it hasn’t happened that way. It has been much stranger and much more personal that I would have ever imagined. This process, the act of saying YES, has been extremely challenging and the last three years have been really hard.

Why does that little image of a face in my vision seem so important? Nobody can see it except me. If I wasn’t a skilled illustrator, it would be impossible for me to share. But I can draw, so I did draw it, and I shared it with the whole world. And, believe me, I know how strange that is.

I saw a lot of owls from this summer. I really felt that my logical side of my head could dismiss these sightings as just chance. But after the incredibly intense on-line interactions with Stacey and her owl story, that logical thing doesn’t fit anymore. I never would have met Stacey if it hadn’t have been for all those owls, they played an important role. The owls got all intertwined with UFO’s and all culminated in a mind-blowing phone call with a gifted psychic.

These bizarre events can wig me out, true enough, but they also leave me fascinated and intrigued. Something is happening, and I’ll probably never be able to define it.

My head has been cracked open, I am receptive and ready for whatever the universe is gunna offer up next. I might fail, or wig-out. But, I might just gain a new insight that will surprise and impress me.

And maybe I can share what I find.



Anya said...

Sitting on the edge of my seat!

What happens next, what happens next?

(biting fingernails)

xo A!

Anonymous said...

Your open and interesting way of expressing your experiences has me checking you daily. I too have had an unexplainable sighting as a child. Could have been military, extra, or ultratrestrial, it too glowed orange/red and it sure moved fast when it left. It looked more like a double thick cake pan with windows! Inner searches cannot be stopped, hope to make sense of some of it someday...Best wishes from Delorus

Red Pill Junkie said...

"And maybe I can share what I find."

I hope you do.

staceyjwarner said...

we shall see...

much love

Anonymous said...

Reading your blog, I can't help but think that the significance or strangeness you seem to find in your experiences, and the self-examination of their impact on you, or their meaning, is derived largely from your interpretation of these things.

I advise calmness, balance, and taking it easy. Don't get too excited. Go with the flow. Surf it. You are evolving. Perhaps it's part of an existential mid-life crisis. Maybe it's a personal reflection within the context of the troubling times we live in.

This is a time of transition that periodically occurs in history, both externally and, as a result, internally, and it could be you are taking it too personally, or misinterpreting the signs. Might you be seeking another way of being, of wanting change but not yet knowing how or where this process might take you? Self-exploration is fine, and needed, but don't slip and get caught in the down-falling rapids of delusion. Don't lose yourself. Work with it in a constructive, positive manner to build something, and don't allow it to scare or frighten you. Keep your wits about you. I sense this has to do with self-image and questions of identity, to which you seek answers, and a kind of resolution. Relax. Things will calm down, and work themselves out, if you take care to stay in balance. Meditate without thinking, in a kind of zen soto mode, if possible. It might help.

Just a thought, and I could be completely wrong. But to remain clear-headed and objective is important, and don't let the oddness and mystery of what you may be perceiving either overwhelm or deceive you. Stay healthy and see reality clearly.

I could be full of shit saying these things, but your post inspired me to say something like this, as when one looks into the abyss, and the abyss looks back at you, don't forget to also look down, watch your step, and make sure you don't walk off a cliff.

I worry a bit about the new-agey entanglements, and esoteric beliefs which ultimately may not serve you well. Be careful what you believe. Maybe I'm just talking to myself. Peace be unto you, in any case. We are all here to help each other get through the samsara of the world.

Red Pill Junkie said...

"I could be full of shit saying these things, but your post inspired me to say something like this, as when one looks into the abyss, and the abyss looks back at you, don't forget to also look down, watch your step, and make sure you don't walk off a cliff."

That is sage advise. I might also add that you receive the strangeness with a high dose of humor :)

hunter said...

thanks for sharing mike. and, hang in there!!