Anyone who's followed my stuff, whether written or spoken, will know that I can drone on and on about the existential angst of not knowing. This has been a kind of mantra, the endless tape loop I repeat that I am NOT sure if I am really and truly an alien abductee.
I feel like I've been in a place of actually knowing for a while now (maybe years) but my incessant "maybe" had become a habit. Or maybe a role I was playing.
Well, this last event (March 10th) pretty much changed all that. It wasn't the night under the stars, it was the follow up weirdness with the map. The precision of that yellow line and how it exactly connected three very telling events, including one with a hooting owl, was just too revealing. It simply screamed at me, this shit is real!
I am now unable to cling to that former identity of "not" knowing. I now know. I am directly intertwined with the UFO reality.
I hate the term abductee and all it's baggage. That title is way too simplistic, but that's probably the best term to define what's been going on with my life. That said, I am convinced that at the source of this mystery there is something far more complex and far more bizarre than we dare imagine. The inadequate words abductee, experiencer and contactee all seem flat in the face of this elaborate puzzle.
But the knowing remains.
peace,
Mike Clelland
March 22 2013
___________________________________________________________
"I no longer have the luxury of disbelief."
___________________________________________________________
To fully understand this post, you'll need to read the two previous postings (linked below):
___________________________________________________________
2. the map
41 comments:
One of us! One of us!!
*bangs table top with heave stein, which is-- alas!-- empty*
If you're a measured and critical thinker, even if open-minded, I believe coming to this conclusion takes time and serious contemplation. Its a big deal, to admit to yourself that these things have happened to you... that you're involved. It means standing against the currently accepted paradigm, so its not a step many are able to take.
But for what its worth--? I was sure you were from the first time I read your blog, and later speaking to you confirmed it. I had every confidence you'd come to this place eventually. Its harder later to fully accept this reality, but if anyone could manage it-? Yeah.
I feel honored to have borne witness to your journey, and have found that, in turn, it healed me. You've been a great source of inspiration to me and encouraged me to share my own experiences, when I long been in the habit of being in the closet with all but my closest friends and husband. Watching you go through the process, while being so open and thoughtful about what other people go through in turn, seemed to help erase a level of shame I was still allowing far too much power over me. I want to thank you for that.
Welcome to the ranks, my good friend. Happy to have you! =^D
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water - Zen Proverb.
There may just be some hardcore Titans that just want to be left alone, and stay out of the way of histories.
They pretty much stay underground, mutants, very Gnostic Christian, that is what happens when fire is given freely.
It does not help when the paperwork and witnesses bear it out, that ends up pretty much dangerous for everyone involved, go tell it to the mountain, sleeping giants, whatever, they are family, after all.
No machines were harmed in the process, this damn War really is hard to not take personally.
Congratulations, Mike.
So... where to know? ;)
PS: Just don't let those inadequate terms --'abductee', 'experiencer', 'contactee', etc-- define you. Yo are your own person, as you have wondrously demonstrated throughout your online part of your journey.
Saludos,
Miguel
I'd say dispense with the terms abductee (inaccurate, IMO) and experiencer (reeks of PC) and try "communicant." That entails not only the experience but more importantly the rest of the data that always accompanies these experiences.
Reply to C-Konwles:
In the essay I wrote:
"I am directly intertwined with the UFO reality."
I had initially written "I am a UFO abductee" and it sat un-posted as a draft. It just felt wrong saying it like that. I couldn't post it like that. I changed it to the line above, and that seems pretty accurate. I tried to make it pretty strong, but at the same time it still implies the mystery.
Mike C!
I've never known what to use either, all terms seem weak, or wrong, or just...not "it." Then again, like you Mike, I share this same stance on the whole thing:
"Anyone who's followed my stuff, whether written or spoken, will know that I can drone on and on about the existential angst of not knowing. This has been a kind of mantra, the endless tape loop I repeat that I am NOT sure if I am really and truly an alien abductee."
For myself, I STILL can't acknowledge such a thing is true. So, I don't say it.
I'm excited about your revelation Mike. Looking forward to hearing more.
I'm bummed you "know" before I "know"! ;)
Actually, I was a bit surprised by this post but I also detect a sense of calm and peace within it. I hope that is the case!
Peace!
Derek
M. Clelland,Actualization is by it's very nature is a imperfect process. Much Love and respect to you for sharing your journey in such an honest manner.
K
Oh, Jesus God, thank you for FINALLY admitting this. I'm literally breathing a sigh of relief as I read this.
Now you can finally heal. The only way you reach any conclusion about trauma is first ADMITTING that it's actually happened.
And this goes double for any of your synchromystical fanboys who I know are obsessed with you (and me) reading this message because they too are MILABs and experiencers who can't admit it. This will help them as well, Michael.
You can't do anything until this admission happens first, Mike. You will until that point be doomed to a tape loop, repeating the trauma over and over again through sublimation and obsessive compulsion.
Thank you for having the courage to admit this. And please don't get hung up on labels. You personally told me that people have their own ways of speaking their truth by creating their own language (I paraphrase, but still, you are good about hearing people's personalization of their language and not getting turned off by it).
You're also good at repackaging things; you used to be an ad man. This is a great opportunity to get creative and have ownership of your now not so hidden experience.
Blessings,
Anya
>"And this goes double for any of your synchromystical fanboys who I know are obsessed with you (and me) reading this message because they too are MILABs and experiencers who can't admit it. This will help them as well, Michael."
*Whistling*
:P
Mike, I'm happy for you. And fear not - nobody who has followed your stuff, or bothers to examine even a sliver of your material, could ever mistake you for any kind of starry eyed "believer". Nobody paying attention could ever miss the great lengths you go to in the name of being careful and precise.
Whatever "it" is that has happened to you, it's as real as anything else is. My own experiences are of course different, but I can sympathize completely with the line you have been attempting (with exquisite care and skill) to walk. At times, it can feel like being drawn and quartered, or straddling an active fault line...
I sincerely hope that this decision brings you a measure of peace and progress. And don't look too frequently over your shoulder for your shadow of skepticism. It's part of who you are. It won't leave you. You aren't the type. You are earthy and grounded and sincere. You will not lead yourself astray.
All the best.
Mike,
Unless you have a tendency to go out camping in the new moon (which you may have, after all it would be the best time to watch the stars), you're going to love this: Have you realized all three of your experiences happened during a new moon? Your "panic" and "round house" experiences happened at just about the day of the exact full moon, and the "orb" one on the day preceding it. At least that's what I've been able to gather from www.wolframalpha.com (I typed stuff like "phase of moon 13-5-2010 11:40 p.m. Mountain standard time", I hope I didn't make any mistakes).
Suppose you chose three absolutely random nights to go out camping. The probability of them all happening in the three days around any single precise phase of the moon (say, new moon, full moon...) is about 1.14%, or about 1 in 87. How about that?
I think you probably do have a tendency to prefer dark nights to go camp out, though. That would make something like this happening more likely. Even so...
You can also input this into wolframalpha:
"nearest new moon to 10-3-2013 in utah": 1:54 pm MDT, March 11 2013
"nearest new moon to 3-3-2011 in utah": 1:49 pm MST, March 4 2011
"nearest new moon to 13-5-2010 in colorado": 7:07 pm, May 13 2010
It's moon-phase guy. Again.
I've put a little more thought (a lot, actually) into what I wrote above, and I now think my calculations were wrong, and that the probability of three random independent events occuring within 36 hours of some same point, any point, in the lunar calendar is actually something like 3.1%, or 1 in 32 (my reasoning and/or calculations may be totally wrong, though, feel free to correct me, anyone). This is still impressive and, of course, the new moon is not just any random moment in the calendar, it has added significance. In fact, the probability of three events happening within 36 hours of the new moon is about 0.1%, or 1 in a 1000! The problem with this kind of reasoning is that we've "selected" the new moon after observing the data, blah, blah, blah...
Oh, and btw, not everyone reading this blog is an experiencer. I'm a NON-experiencer (yes, I'm sure of that, as sure as anyone can be), and I'm fascinated by this stuff!
It's about time.
Taking 'the whipper' isn't so bad after all. Nothing like one expected in the 'before' stages. And as it turns out, you had everything you needed all the while. :)
Congrats friend, this is a big step in a long long walk of steps. Enjoy the experience. It's gets easier when it's not hidden.
Venturer! That's a more suitable term for someone like you, Mike :)
Mike, I kind of knew when you shared the memory of looking out your bedroom window and saw greys standing in a row, that they weren't just admiring your home or garden. ;-)
~ Susan
Mike,
I'm new to your site, and it's great. The blogs and interviews have been enlightening, even though I've only been on here a few weeks. At first,I thought you knew you were an experiencer, but then your previous post made it clear, you had not come out...yet. I could feel the frantic excitement in your post with the map. I was there in my mind, remembering a year ago, as i grappled with the same realizations, and began accepting the reality in lieu of
my denial. It's so exciting to have found your site at this time! Thank you for sharing your angst and excitement! Can't wait for more! Cynthia
What does it mean to 'come out' as an experiencer, communicant, etc? Is it like admitting one is an alcoholic or coming out as gay? This is a rhetorical question, but the responses to Mike's original post have been very interesting and very telling of the UFO community (by the way, I'm not sure what word to tag the community with). What is the purpose of coming to terms with such a thing? What is it about experiencing that engenders one to remain in denial? Denial of what? I have so many questions.
Is there an overarching goal to coming to terms with one's status as a 'communicant?' Is it merely just learning maintenance as an experiencer, in an otherwise mundane and magic-stifling cultural landscape? Is the 'experiencing' pursued to an even deeper degree after the 'coming out?'
Perhaps the task is to balance these aspects of life, one foot in reality and one in imagination, allowing meaning to emerge from the two.
Questioning aside, there is no doubt that this step in your journey is filled with significance and meaning for you, Mike. I am excited for you to continue on with this new 'knowing' and to figure out exactly what that means for you and your continued development as a spiritual human.
;)
Huge thanks to everyone who's posted here and who's followed my on-line journey.
The act of coming out is less an issue than being honest to myself.
I started looking into my life experiences in late 2006 (when I had the first flurry of owl experiences) and at that point it seemed absurd that there could be any reality this stuff in my life. That's over 6 years now. Curiously, it was this blog that forced me to document my memories and the associated weirdness (like owls and synchronicities). The fact that I have been posting this stuff publicly has been really helpful. When i write this stuff it isn't just a scratched out diary entry. I feel a responsibility to be honest as well as tidy in it's presentation.
Anyway, It made sense that I was confused and dismissive at first.
As I noted (and did a lot of commenters) I have known for a long time that this was a reality in my life. I would whisper it on phone calls and sometimes say it into the mirror when I was alone. But I was clinging to that "maybe" status. I recognized how desperate i sounded (at times) as I neurotically added the caveat of "I'm not sure" to any of my declarations. There came point where I know on the inside but wouldn't just say it.
Well, now I said it.
I shunned the term UFO Abductee and instead stated: "I am directly intertwined with the UFO reality." Its' pretty much the same thing, just with vocabulary words of my own choosing.
Again, thanks to everyone.
Hey Mike! Love listening to your interviews.
I live in Sweden. 35 years old. Been interested in the UFO phenomenon since my teens. On and off.
One thing that strikes me is that Sweden has very few abduction cases. We have a few famous contact cases, but very few "greys" experiences. Do you have any thoughts about why the frequency seems to differ between nations/geographical positions?
Joakin:
Different cultural mythos, perhaps? Less mental instability? It could be a huge number of factors. Maybe really simple explanations. How many alien abduction stories do you hear coming from African countries? (I have no formal statistics for this statement).
Reminds me of how those of Irish/Celtic descent have a much higher rate of having RH Negative blood, which supposedly makes one more susceptible to alien abduction experiences.
Also (to Joakim)
Another thing I am reminded of is Iceland's belief in the little people, or Huldufork: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hulduf%C3%B3lk
Building projects are altered, delayed, relocated so as not to disturb the Huldufolk. It's a common thing!
Different beliefs everywhere, I guess. Different sensitivities to things too.
Hi mike i found your site while searching for owls and ufo sighting and abductions as i had a strange experience when i was a kid 1967 miami fl it has troubled me ever since i was a paperboy for the miami herald and had just finished my route about 3 am upon riding my blcycle home i saw what i thought were large owls perched on top of some buildings i became very frightened and pedaled fast toward my house and i noticed a bright object in the sky it almost looked like a chandeleir but mind as telling me it was jupiter i jumped off my bike and ran into my house very scared i dont remember anything after that but had a strange recurring dream after that event and other strange happenings and dreams that continued for years I've always felt that i had some kind of close encounter but never commited to it because my experiences seemed so strange so when i came across your site it was relief to see and hear the stories of people with similar experiences i like you have struggled to understand what was happening were they real or imagined or dreams i still am bothered by my experiences and the last year i have been reseaching the web for answers to what I've come to call my veiled memories so i thank you for all the information you put on your blogs and audio interviews i find so many synchronicity in them i wanted also to ask you if during any on your experiences did you hear any strange sounds thanks "bob "
Mike, this is mathaddict from the Syncosecrets blog just saying hi. Your chosen word "intertwined" is perfect, as the other words used to describe us bother me because they seem to indicate "victim", and in spite of everything, I refuse to consider myself a victim. Glad your awakening came....it's pretty significant, huh! See you at The Macs! cj
When I saw Cynthia's comment it reminded me of this creepy news story -
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-04-01/texas-da-shot-dead-with-wife/4603200
"On Saturday, the county's district attorney, Mike McLelland, and his wife, Cynthia Woodward McLelland, were found shot dead at their home."
well done. I like the term "experiencer" as it is the least emotive. I also apply this term to other psi phenomena.
thus, I am not an abductee, nor a believer, but an experiencer.
sceptics can make of it what they will ;)
One of Two:
Hi, Mike---
Well, I had guessed that this was, or might be, sort of inevitable.
I used to follow your blog a few years ago, soon after you first started it.
I'm going to use an anonymous pseudonym here, as I don't want to get any nasty or negative feedback from others here, but I should say we had a connection back in 2009 I won't reveal here, and even back then, based on the direction your posts here increasingly seemed to be going in, I then felt the need to advise due caution at that time. To, effectively, warn you not to read too much into certain things. To always keep an open, but objective, mind.
Perhaps you recognize who I am, by how I use language, and if so, or wish to communicate further, to discuss these issues, you may want to contact me by email, if you wish to.
I am not a pseudo-skeptic or debunker, and have had two very close encounters of the first kind with some unknown aerial phenomena myself, 35 years apart, the first incident being a multiple-witness case.
I know, not believe, from personal experience UFOs are real. The question is exactly what are they, where might they originate from, and do any of them constitute real evidence, or a form of undeniable proof of any kind of advanced, non-human intelligence? For me personally, that is still an open, and penultimate question.
But, while I know there is a genuine, unknown, and mysterious phenomenon of some sort(s), I personally still cannot conclude what it may be, or whether it truly is representative of either alien, or another kind, of sentient non-human consciousness or intelligence. I simply cannot say I know for sure, either or any way I look at the question.
So, I provide that preface and background to you before I say what I think needs to be. I try to be as objective, empirical, and scientific in orientation and outlook as possible, and think I have an open mind about what the UFO phenomenon may represent, which could possibly be, from every thing I know and have researched over 20+ years, circumstantial evidence for some form of very subtle and esoteric kind of advanced or at least non-human intelligence or consciousness.
However, when I was reading your blog before, and have now perused and read a number of more recent posts of yours, what I saw and now see again is a predisposition and tendency to interpret your personal experiences and past incidents in a very intriguing, but not uncommon manner.
One of the things I originally liked about your perspective was the "maybe" aspect of it, which indicated to me that in lieu of direct evidence or a form of proof, you initially kept a kind of agnostic perspective and viewpoint.
Unfortunately, especially with this post, "I now know," you have finally crossed the rubicon, and are apparently convinced, which is what I worried about, that you are some kind of alien "abductee" (a term I don't like, either) or "experiencer" of some kind.
Or, at least you are or have become persuaded to that idea.
But, how do you really know, objectively, for sure?
Two of Two:
I have to ask: how do you know this is not just a kind of emotional and psychological "idee fixe" finally come into bloom, or otherwise a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy?
What real evidence, other than strange synchronicities you notice, or seek, odd coincidences (like a line on a map?), or other things, like the predominance of owls, for example, have you used to base your, what I will call, conversion upon?
How do you know, for sure, that you have had alien contact?
What are your standards or bar for such a conclusion? Or evidence, beyond the interpretive, subjective, and circumstantial?
Finally, how do you know you are not or may have become deluded in some subtle, psychosocial manner by delving into this mystery?
Isn't it true that sometimes the seeker can seemingly find the answers they want, if they try hard and long enough, but that others cannot see? And that, perhaps, are not in actuality there, as perceived, by the seeker into the unknown?
In other words, and in conclusion, how do you know what you think you know?
This is related not just to ontology, but also psychology, and how the mind, usually in isolation or under stress, can imagine certain things that are not, empirically and logically, actually true or real?
How do you separate the wheat from the chaff, as it were?
And finally, what if you are wrong?
Or, even if you may possibly object to my cautionary advisory and opinions here, which are expressed out of concern and honest feelings, as I suspect you will not challenge your own recent conclusions about "the map," etc., and what things like that now seem to mean to you, what now?
How will you use or process experiential reality (or what may be... otherwise), what meaning and significance does this "I now know" decisional precept or "coming out" affect your life, goals, and future? What will you do now?
And where and what directions do you think you will you now go? Has a specific "direction" emerged from this conversion?
I would be most interested in your thoughts, and responses, to these concerns and questions, as I suspect others here would also be.
In any case, I wish you happiness and that you will someday fulfill whatever your destiny and potential holds for you.
Reply to Wintermute:
We may have connected in 2009, but I don't recognize who you might be.
As far as the "now I know" declaration. THere has simply been too many experiences to ignore. I make no claims to know what is at the source of the UFO phenomenon, but I can say that it is something real.
I dance around the term "abductee, instead I say: I am directly intertwined with the UFO reality.
THe line on the map was associated with a direct "knowing" and that may be impossible to accurately describe, but it was very real. It was in my own head, and it had an impact on me. I have had the same psychic knowing previously (with the map series from 2010) and I feel it cam from an outside source and NOT my subconscious.
I spent the last 7 years wrestling with the question: "Am I a UFO abductee? Or am I just deluding myself?" I am not exaggerating, this quandary occupied a LOT of my waking existence.
As time went on, I was continually getting closer and closer to saying yes to that question about being a UFO abductee (no to the one about deluding myself).
There is a long list of things, many of which you pointed out in your comments, that forced me to accept what I see as an unfinished jigsaw puzzle. There are plenty of missing pieces, but I can stand back and clearly see the overall image.
I couldn't say it until about a month ago. It simply didn't feel honest. Now it does feel honest.
If there is a semantic problem, it seems less my "involvement" and more the thing that I'm involved with. I mean, the UFO phenomenon is much more complex than I can truly comprehend, and I recognize that. What ever is happening has intersected with me and my consciousness. Saying that feels honest.
I am still wrestling with the what and the why of the overall weirdness. I can no longer deny that I am connected to that what and why.
Mike C
Thanks, Mike.
I appreciate your answers, and basic honesty in responding to the questions I raised in my two-part comment, although I will also say that you really didn't reply to most of the more specific questions I raised there.
But, that is your choice, naturally.
All I can say is that while it's good to keep an open mind, as they say, just don't let your brain fall out.
Try to stay objective, honest with yourself, balanced, and empirical when making judgments about the unknown, and also try to avoid putting your own developing beliefs or possibly sub-conscious presumptions and desires, as best you can, into potentially ending up, effectively, fooling yourself.
When one stares into the abyss, perhaps for too long, sometimes the abyss stares back. Or, you may end up thinking so.
All I'm saying, Mike, is don't get too far beyond the facts, and actual reality, as subjective consciousness can sometimes lead to delusion and self-damage, counter-intuitively drawing one away from what is real, and not an esoteric form of "wishful thinking."
Keep it real, Mike.
BTW, I really liked your illustrations for Mac Tonnies book, "The Cryptoterrestrials." You are a good, nay excellent, illustrator.
Good luck with the rest of your life -- you will need it, but then, we all "make our own luck," if we know what we're doing with the gift of consciousness and human existence, don't we?
Well, not always, but let's hope so.
Namaste
Wintermute,
I am not just following empirical facts, I am very much using my feelings an intuition as part of the way I frame all this. When I do that, i make sure to write (or say) I "I feel this..." or "this is my impression."
If I know it, I'll say as much. If it's just a gut feeling, I make sure to say that too.
Mike C
Now I Know?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BltvcDeI10
Mike,
Well I missed this declaration … when it was first made I guess. You have crossed a line… congratulations!
Anyone that has followed your blog with any frequency knows this was… not a walk in the park.
I am of the ‘chop wood carry water’ clan… everything changes and everything remains the same.
Also the idea of explaining or justifying to other people is undercut when you cross that line.
Proof is the human beings’ version of things… whether or not we understand it ‘truth’ exists independent of us and I think we often have experiences which make no sense and only later, sometimes much later, sometimes not at all, do we have ‘proof’ or an explanation that might sort it out for us.
The Twin Paradox from relativity I submit as the inverse of this- yet an illustration of the absurdity of truth. Enlightenment is another example. OIber’s Paradox another example of how complex and confusing real truth can be.
After reading Miriam Delicado’s book- and I have no idea if she is the real thing or not- but reading her book nudged me in a direction that was no surprise to me and yet is still a surprise.
I realized my obsession with this topic- not just Ufology but contact and its manifold currents and consequences- is rooted in my belief that they are here.
Something inside me tells me that. I have no proof to even give myself. I don’t really know why I think this but it is evident I do.
I am not- I am pretty sure- an abductee. Yet I feel connected to this ‘backwater’ in a way I can’t explain. And I have ‘struggled’ with this obsession most of my life. Mostly I can’t talk to other people about it except the one in a million I might come across that is drawn, for one reason or another, to the same thing. This doesn’t happen often.
I have followed your blog off and on and I know this declaration of yours will draw out those people, from everywhere, with that ‘how do you really know’… and there is no answer for them. For myself there are signs everywhere but they are meaningless unless you are already ‘predisposed’ to see them. So they don’t mean the same thing to everyone.
Chop wood carry water… That doesn’t change… Your perspective on the world changes. People might notice the difference… or not. You see everything in a different light. It is a little change… a big one at the same time. Really you took a little step…the journey of a thousand miles begins there. You have only started the journey finally, after much preparation.
Oh... one last thing... Lucretia's reference to Freaks is quite apropos and humorous... and too true.
>"I am not- I am pretty sure- an abductee. Yet I feel connected to this ‘backwater’ in a way I can’t explain. And I have ‘struggled’ with this obsession most of my life. Mostly I can’t talk to other people about it except the one in a million I might come across that is drawn, for one reason or another, to the same thing. This doesn’t happen often."
My thoughts exactly.
Hello.. It appears that we all follow some direct connection with them. Mine started very young and didn't start up until teenage years and now through adult life.
http://adventuresingarnernc.blogspot.com
Joakin - my impression from reading things the last 20 yrs is that different alien groups have our planet staked out into territories. Wherever you are born, that group has 'rights' to you if they wish. It is said greys have N.America and another type of grey S. America. Some form of human-type alien has New Zealand, and my most recent impression is that greys are all over Australia, and have been cited many times in Africa as they have a historical word to describe them. All this 'owl' stuff makes me wonder if that was the reason for the owl fad in the 60's.
I'm an type O neg and I have this feeling of a mission in life. I look to stars and always get a sense I'm not from here. I dislike the feeling of loneliness and being watch by an unknown force. I suffer from empathy that causes me to feel withdrawn and depressed. Every time I watch the movie "Contact" I start crying and feel envious of the character Ellie, because she had the chance to see the home I believe my Blood type came from. I can relate to 80% of the Rh neg's character traits. I don't remember being abducted, but I was told when I was a toddler I was lost for 4 hours when my family took a trip to Puerto Rico. They found me behind some bushes, that they checked more than once and I was eating dirt for some weird reason. Who knows what my family was tripping on, but this story always puzzled me.
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